Man, I’m not very good at sticking to self-imposed deadlines. I promised myself I would post another documentary review yesterday, but Frontline docs are a difficult watch and too important to not give my full attention and care as a writer. So today’s post will be kinda all over the place, because I want to write something, even if I don’t have a neatly presented topic.
It’s been a little over a month since I’ve been unemployed. The truth is that I wrote those posts about how to beat the unemployment blues just as much for me as I did for the blogosphere.
April was a hard month for me. I leaned on bad habits more than I practiced good ones. I tried to handle too much on my own and didn’t ask for help when I needed it. I got depressed and didn’t leave my apartment for days. Sometimes I drank too much, some times I ate shitty salty take out that made me feel fat and gave my body image issues the voice to tell me that I’m fat, unsexy, a loser who will never get a job and who will die an unemployed and useless mess.
And you know what? That’s OK. I accept that I’m going to have good days and bad days and that won’t change once I get a job. I just have more time to hang out with the depression and anxiety that’s always been there. Once I finish applying for jobs, I’m alone with my thoughts for the rest of the day. I’m slowly learning how to not view that as a punishment.
Then there are days like today. Days where I get up and do yoga and talk to my Dad for three hours and celebrate my cat’s birthday, who has outlived his shortened (due to feline leukemia and feline immunodeficiency virus) life span by three years. My cat, who is the closest thing I will ever have (or want) to a child, makes me laugh by stealing things from my purse and putting them in his bed. He gives me hugs when I’ve had a bad day and reminds me how beautiful unconditional love really is. I have family and friends who love me, even if they are thousands of miles away and we don’t get to talk as often as we’d like or say everything we want to say. I have a cute apartment in a safe neighborhood. A park within walking distance where I can appreciate nature anytime I want. I have a relationship that while sometimes frustrating, is filled with love and common ground, even when it seems like the whole world is against us. I get to sit down and write this post, be real, share authentically, and participate in creative expression, which is one of the most important things in the world. Today is not about positive thoughts or affirmation or even happiness. Today is about simple gratitude, even when life is not perfect.